This time of the year, seems to get to me in a hard way. It has been 4 years since my mom has passed and it still feels like yesterday. I still fell lost and misplaced and sisters are all over the states and we can't manage to get together anymore. My mom was the glue that held our family together and the bond that we have are strong but not the kind that makes us spring back together like my mom could. My husbands family are sweet but they can't take the place of my family. I know that, that must some how sound wierd, it just makes me long for the innocence of my childhood and the comforting knowledge that my mom was always gonna be there. I remeber in fondness her strengh, laughter, her willingness to give. She tought me to be the kind of woman that doesn't need a man but likes to have him around. She tought me that love should never hurt no matter how many children you have. She tought me that no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I am beautiful. She told me that independece doesn't mean you have to be alone, it just means you CAN do it on your own! She would say, "If you don't stand up for yourself and what you believe in, no one else will!" My mom was wise beyond her years and was plagued with heart problems and diabeties.
I pray and hope that I make her proud and that the person I am, is the kind of person that she would want to be around. I am not perfect but I do try very hard to follow in her footsteps and be the example for my daughter as she was for me. I pray that the strength that she gave to me I can pass down to my little girl.
My heart aches for the time I no longer have with her, and all the things that I will not get to share with her on this earth. My heart aches even more for Anaya because she will only have my memories and my stories to know her Mom-Mom Sue. I think my mom would have spoiled the socks off of her, and wouldn't even appologise for it! I would be lying to you if I didn't say that I am still scared to death to face this world without her. Part of my identity is lost, because she is no longer around physically.
Mom,
I miss you so much! I wish that we had more time together, I wouldn't wish the health problems but I would wish for the chance to talk and go shopping and to learn how to be a better mom and wife. There are so many things that I would chat about and pick your brain over. Most of all I would find out if I make you proud? My heart aches and hurts so much because I can't just pick up the phone and call you. I can't even keep your kids together, everyone seems to not want to get together and spend time with each other, I miss them as well. When you passed it was like, we no longer had a connection or a reason to get together. I feel like an outsider between my own sibblings and I feel like they don't care. The only one that calls me on a regular bases is Matt. My dad is a jerk and I won't even go there. Anyway, I will stop complaning and get ready for bed, I love and miss you greatly, I'm trying to be strong but soemtimes it's really hard! Love always, your baby.
2 comments:
Your mom was great...it was like having another mother around...even the discipline part...I thought my mom had eyes and ears everywhere...me and Meg couldn't get away with anything with those two...she is missed..I'm just lucky that you were both apart of our family!! And maybe she's not physically present but she's watching down on you, and I'm most certain that she is proud of the person that you became...she was always very proud of you whatever you did!!!
Dani...Kelly is so right, your Mommy was always proud of you, no matter what. I know this in my heart. She is deeply missed, I can guarantee you that. I loved her so very much & I know she loved me back. No matter what, you have sisters in Jersey who love you unconditionally- we may not share blood, but we share a lifetime of memories & love for your Mommy!
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